One thing I can promise, friend Ill never be back again But Im not really bitter, baby I wish you all the luck and all the love in the world
But I know you’ll never be satisfied
So if a fresh new love comes in I won’t say those words again
I write and draw on three different notepads and on multiple devices linked to my Notes app. In each of these, I have written all the pain and happiness that has made my life what it is today. Certain dates I have in my notes or notepads have tears and regrets that are too deep to show to anyone. I can’t always bring myself to read them either.
That’s not to say I haven’t learned anything from them and revisit them often. I love feeling deeply and giving my whole heart. I see my efforts detailed and clawed in memories and music that I shared with those I have loved. With more time passing and lessons being learned I feel that I can say that I have loved without a single ounce to spare. I don’t think I will ever stop loving.
In the past half year, I lived out of my car. 2013 Nissan Rogue; two-wheel drive edition. I didn’t have to do it, but I wanted to prove to myself and unfortunately to others who never knew or cared. I found myself in Northern California this past summer working and living in the alpine. I would bounce from Chester to Lake Tahoe to Oakland within weeks at a time. It took me a bit to figure out how to have a kitchen, living room, and bedroom in an SUV that wasn’t built out at all. I had a duffel bag that I called my entertainment bag since it had all my books and electronics. I had a cooler that kept food as cool as a room-temperature sparkling water. Lots of spoiled eggs. Lots of Bombay potatoes and takeout bags.
What made me feel the most vulnerable is that I had my whole life there. It was my home; my own refuge from the heat, cold, and pain. I felt free and frightened over many miles.
Soon after, Marylin (my car’s name- a beaut old white lady) and I moved to Las Vegas to live in the Mojave desert for the fall. By this time I was acclimated to car-dirt-bagging it. I had a system and a gym where I could shower at. I fucking did it- I had the guts, the pelotas, the fucking nerve- to search for peace. Winter then came and I found a room to rest for the season. I had no idea what was to come. What peace I would find and what hope I would feel.
You never know who you will meet on adventures. I was lucky to have met the sweetest thing on this side of heaven. The sweetest. My sweet sweet sugar helped me live in my present and helped me more than they will ever know. I wish I could hold on to our time together and preserve it just as it was. I wouldn’t have changed anything. I’ll always have a place in my heart for you.
Nothing too important I want to say about how I shot these photographs, I guess. I remember that I wanted to continue my blog and my practice of photography so I forced myself that morning to take my camera out and capture how I saw my home at the time. Specifically how free, compact, and fragile I felt in that car. Months have passed since I first took the leap to start over and much has changed. I don’t know if my blog will be the same as it was before, but I know I will continue posting music and photos here. I will also focus more on my writing since it has given me space to feel and create.
If you got this far thank you.
El canto de mis fotos 